I've known since the day we lost the baby that I would need to write about it. I figure if I don't do it today, my due date, the day I should have had tears of joy not pain, then I probably never will.
I have forgotten a lot of the dates, and my calendar that they are written down on is locked in my office at work over the weekend. So the dates I do give are what I do remember, or based off of facebook posts.
After Elaina was born, James and I made a plan of when we would have other children, we figured it would be easiest when Elaina was 3 or 4, plus if it was another summer baby it would really work out well with my work. Well it obviously didn't work out last year, so we tried again for this summer. I took the first pregnancy test when I was 3 days late, but we couldn't read the results very well, there was sort of a line but it was very faint. I waited a few more days and took another test on October 7th with a definite positive results.
I admit I wasn't as excited or happy as I felt I should be, I was worried about how I was going to take care of two children, when I struggle with one wild child. It helped me start to get into things when I began going through the name book. The names we had previously chosen just didn't sit right with this one. We narrowed a big list down to two girl names and two boy names, but like before, none really popped or felt just right. (I feel this is significant because with Elaina, I really hadn't heard the name before or ever had it on a baby name list, it just came to me and stuck as THE name, way before I ever found out it was a girl.)
The next date that sicks out to me was October 17th. That was the day we spent at Disneyland, and then late into the night at the Disney special Halloween party in California adventure. I remember going on Toy Story Mania and it going faster than usual, I really got whipped around one of the corners and felt something in my lower belly pull. Something just did not feel 'right' in the uterus area. James had me rest a lot through out the night, but that was the first time I got the mom intuition that there was something wrong, but of course that knowledge is stronger in hindsight.
Around October 23rd I got extremely sick, I don't remember ever being that violently sick in my entire life. Both ends, body aches, fever, you name it. It lasted about two days, my Dad (who's a registered nurse) thinks I had the swine flu, but I was never tested. I was so worried about the baby, I was worried it was getting enough nutrients and I know I had become dehydrated. I had James give me a priesthood blessing, I remember him asking that I would have the strength to recover, I remember asking him after why he didn't pray for the babies safety since thats what I was really concerned about. I remember him saying that he couldn't, he wanted to but the words wouldn't come. (Again, hindsight, the Lord knew what would happen, the priesthood can not be used against the Lords will.)
On October 28th I had my first doctors visit. I was so annoyed afterwards that the Dr. didn't do anything. Seriously, the took my vitals and did the stuff that would normally happen at an ob/gyn visit. They didn't take a urine test or blood test or anything to confirm that I was pregnant, they said something to the effect of, the take home test are pretty effective, we don't feel the need to test. If you don't have a period before your next appointment then you are probably pregnant, which would make you about 8 weeks along now, and your due date would be June 13th. No info to take home, or things to watch out for. True I wasn't a first time mom, but I would think that would be sort of routine. I should have known to change doctors right then.
I still hadn't told people I was pregnant, like I said earlier, something just didn't feel right this time around, but at 8 weeks I felt I could finally announce it to my family and then friends. So I did, on the morning of October 31st, halloween. I didn't walk too far with Elaina that night, just down the block and back, but I was existed.
The next morning was Sunday, I was supposed to say the opening prayer at church, but as I was getting ready I noticed that I had started to spot. I text my visiting teachers from church and Rachels husband was kind enough to do it for me. I layed down and rested all day, which seemed to slow things down.
I called the doctors office the next day to try and get an appointment. The receptionist said there was no point in coming in, there wasn't anything they could do, but to go get a blood test at the lab to check my HCG level to see if I had had a miscarriage. I did so.
By Wednesday the flow was getting consistent, not heavy, but consistent. Since I still hadn't heard back about the results I went in to the dr. office without an appointment. the dr. wasn't there but the receptionist was. I asked her (as she was leaning back in her chair with her feet up) if my results had come back yet. Her response? "Have I called you yet? Then I don't have them." I asked when she though they would come in, and she said that they should be there that afternoon and she should be giving me a call.
That was the day I was supposed to be a part of a site visit at Burroughs. The call came right before it started. The receptionist said that the results were "inconclusive", when I asked what that means, she said she couldn't tell me. I pressed and asked what the level was and she said I was a 7.5. She suggested I call a different lab and set up an ultrasound if I wanted more information. I did so for the next day, then went to find my boss to make sure I could get the time off. Aubreys the type (as she put it) that doesn't settle for crap answers, so she pulled up the Internet on her phone to find out what a 7.5 HCG level means. Turns out that that is the level I should be at at 4 weeks not 9 weeks. 9 weeks should be 25,700! We assumed what made it inconclusive was that not pregnant is level 5, and I was more than 5 but no where near when I should be. I was trying (none to successfully) to keep myself together, but I lost it when Aubrey said that I must have really wanted this pregnancy. It was the first time I realized that I actually did, I wasn't pregnant because it was the 'right time', or because I promised James that Elaina wouldn't be an only child like he was, I actually wanted this baby. Aubrey sent me home after that and gave me the whole next day off to take care of things. I met James at my parents house and there was a lot of discussion about who felt the baby was still alive, or dead, or if it would be a good thing since there must be a defect ect. It finally came down to, what do my instincts tell me. I said that I knew something was wrong but I didn't feel like the baby was gone.
I had the ultrasound the next afternoon at a lab. I had come to terms, and was anticipating a negative result. I started laughing when the tech turned the screen and showed me the heart beat! My baby was alive! After she left, my laughter turned to tears, for the first time since Oct. 17th I let myself hope and believe that I was one of the women that have spotting but still have a successful pregnancy. True, the tech said that the baby was measuring smaller than expected, only the length of a 6week embryo, but maybe the possibility of a later date explained the lower numbers?! I had hope. When I left she said that they would send my results to my doctor, that they were not qualified to diagnose anything.
We were going out of town the next morning to visit my in-laws in North Las Vegas, but we waited around until lunch time hoping to hear from the doctor. When he didn't call me, I called them. The doctor was at the hospital. So we left.
The trip was hard on me, the bleeding started up a bit harder than usual and I was completely wiped out, but James took wonderful care of me, and I got lots of rest over the weekend. Same on the trip back.
The next week wasn't to eventful, still spotting, so I called again I asked the receptionist if there was any information for me. She said there wasn't anything attached to my file so assuming that no news was good news I was hopeful, I had seen my baby alive and moving, I had a picture of it, everything was going to be okay.
Friday the 13th, I started to bleed like a light period. Saturday the 14th, the day of the flag football tournament, I started to have cramping. I told two of my staff to be ready on Monday, I didn't know if I was going to make it, I had a feeling I was losing the baby. That night I was visiting my parents, my cramping turned into light contractions. I was cold, tired, and light headed. My Dad said my body was in shock, he sent me home to sleep and wouldn't let me take Elaina with me, she stayed the night with my parents.
Sunday November 15th...
Sunday. I woke up to real labor pains.
So much blood. I was soaking through a pad every 15 min...10 min....5 min... gave up went and stood in the shower until the contractions were to intense. Layed down with towels instead. The worst of it happened around 9 AM, If it had been 6 1/2 months later, I think that was the birth moment. Contractions slowed down, bleeding still very heavy, but not like before. James didn't want to leave me, but no one would take his class at church, so he left right before 10:00. I cleaned up the bed, and took a shower, and fell asleep out of exhaustion. It was over, my baby was gone, to small to be found in the profuse chucks of...birth, or washed down the drain, or flushed down the toilet. I don't know.
James picked up Elaina after church and I was so glad she wouldn't have any memory of it.
The next day on Monday I called the doctors office and told them what happened.
I was put on hold, the nurse couldn't find my file, was I sure I was a patient of Dr. Ronlov?
Yes. Come in anyway, we'll check you out.
They found my file.
Told the doctor the whole story from the beginning. He was furious, he didn't know about any of it, the receptionist never told him and was treating me on her own. He removed the remaining tissue, then we went into his office to talk. He examined the ultrasound for the first time and showed me that the heartbeat was to slow, that was why the growth was stunted. I asked if the HCG level was the cause, and he said no, my HCG level was perfect. It was my hormone level that was 7.5 which is low, and yes that was the cause. He then gave me the info that will haunt me. IF HE HAD KNOWN WHAT WAS HAPPENING THERE WAS A SIMPLE HORMONE PILL I COULD HAVE TAKEN TO BALANCE EVERYTHING OUT, FIX THE HEART RATE AND SAVE MY BABIES LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That receptionist killed my baby!!!
I never wanted to go back there again, but I had to, two more times for follow-up blood test to make sure everything went back to "normal." Of course to make things worse I got an infection, and the nurse messed up drawing blood and I had to go get it re-done again. So I had to go back quite a few more times then expected to that horrid place.
I tried to be strong for a long time, I went back to work as soon as I was off the medication. It was about February that the depression started to really hit me. I had dealt with some post partum issues with Elaina, but was able to make it to the other side without medication, so I was determined to make it through again this time. I won't lie, my life was falling apart, and my work suffered. It took being banished from my school site for 3 weeks while my boss went in and cleaned up the mess I had made to start to snap me out of it. That was my rock bottom, when I responded to a text message of "how are you" my response was "I'm alive, and I still have James and Elaina."
Since then I've been fighting my way back. I still have some very tough days, but they are starting to get fewer and farther between.
Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and my family.
Your post made me think of the following two quotes. I know they're a little long. Not at all telling you how to feel or what to do, they just immediately came to mind.
ReplyDelete"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed."
—Jeffrey R. Holland ("For Times of Trouble," New Era, Oct. 1980, 15)
"If thou art called to pass through atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like cwolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The aSon of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall bremain with thee; for their cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ddays are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, efear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." D&C 122